The Agony of Honor
by Lieutenant Caine
Summary: This story is by special request of one of my loyal readers.
1. Chapter 1

** The Agony of Honor **

**A/N It is not often that I entertain specific fic requests from my readers, simply because there is usually little or no time to research and work out the plot line suggested. On rare occasions, however, a request is made and I find the story almost falling from my "pen" so to speak with very little effort. Such is the case with this story. (Yes, it is another H/Yelina centric story)**

**Reader be warned. In spite of the 1****st**** chapter, this is NOT a happy story. It is very much a tale of angst and the stark truth that sometimes being honorable is the most painful choice a person can make. **

**Jasmine, this one is for you. Enjoy.**

Lt. Caine

Yelina gazed at the three tickets in her hand. Rio de Janero, Brazil. Those three pieces of paper represented a fresh start, a life away from Miami and all the bad memories, a new life with her son and man who had proven time and time again in his own way that he loved her and wanted to be in her life. The look in his eyes when he'd handed her the tickets said more than words. He was offering her, no…he was offering them a new life, one that she had secretly dreamed of for longer than she could remember.

"Don't pack." He had told her. "You can buy clothes there."

So it was to be a clean break with no traces of the old life to haunt her any more. There was very little in Miami she would miss, very few who would miss her and even fewer whom she would regret leaving behind.

The pleasant zip of anticpation lent haste to Yelina's minimal preparations for the trip. A single small carry on bag held everything she felt could not wait for purchase once they arrived at their destination. A few phone calls, and the utilities were scheduled for termination. The postoffice had already been notified of her pending departure and all mail was to be forwarded to her in Brazil. Several times she caught herself smiling out of sheer happiness.

A loud thump from the bedroom down the hall pulled her from her reverie and she sighed, brought back to reality by the sounds coming from that direction. Ray Jr. was much less enthusiastic about their short notice exodus from the United States and was voicing his opposition in the only way his young mind could think of, by throwing things around and generally being uncooperative.

Making her way down the hall, Yelina quietly opened the door to Ray's bedroom and her heart contracted almost painfully at the sight. Her son sat on the edge of the bed, his arms wrapped around a baseball glove. The glove was the last birthday present Ray Jr. had received from his father before that fateful drug deal gone bad. The baseball that went with the glove lay on the floor against the baseboard near the bathroom door. The thud had no doubt come from Ray Jr's. hurling it at the door in frustration. Mother's instinct kicked in, and Yelina sat down quietly beside Ray Jr.

"You know…you know there are some pretty awesome baseball teams in Brazil."

"Yeah? Well there are some pretty awesome ones here in Miami, Mom. I still don't see why we've gotta leave. And why Brazil? I don't even speak the language."

"I know, son. But this is a chance for a new life." Yelina tenderly smoothed her hand through Ray Jr.'s hair and was stung when he jerked away from her touch and bolted up from the bed, stomping angrily to the other side of the room.

"I don't want a new life! We're fine here! Why couldn't you just go and leave me with Unlce Horatio?" Ray's voice trembled with the sound of pending tears.

A portion of Yelina's joy from her earlier preparations resurfaced with a rush at the mention of Horatio's name.

"That would be rather difficult to do, since he's coming with us," she said quietly

Ray Jr. spun away from the window and stared at his mother in sheer disbelief. "Uncle Horatio… coming with us? No way. He wouldn't leave his job with the CSI's. He's got it too good here. You're crazy, mom."

A broad smile lit Yelina's face. "Maybe so, but can you explain the 3rd ticket any other way?"

"Three tickets? You didn't tell me he gave you three tickets."

"Well, he did. But if we don't get to the airport on time, none of them will do us any good, so come on. Finish putting your stuff in the bag and let's go. Horatio is meeting us there in 45 minutes."

Typical of youthful emotions, Ray's attitude underwent a mercurial change for the better.

"Cool. Maybe it won't be so bad if he's with us." Ray Jr. flashed his mother a quick smile, never realizing just how much he looked like his father in that instant.

"That's more like it." Yelina ruffled his hair and smiled to hide the tears that welled unbidden her eyes. She hugged him tightly until he squirmed and wriggled out of her arms.

Ray Jr. would never know the pain his mother felt each time she saw the face of his father mirrored on his own coutenance, could have never understood that even though she loved him with all her heart, that he was a painful reminder of Ray Sr. and all of the hurtful things he had done to his family over the years. Ray Jr. only knew that he missed his father terribly and assumed that his mother did as well. In his youthful ignorance of the true Raymond Caine history, the son clung to the happy memories, willing to forgive his father for all the times he was away from home on some undercover mission.

Ray Jr. kissed his mother soundly on the cheek and grinned. "So are we going to the airport or what?"

An exasperated sigh teased from Yelina's mouth. "I've been trying to get you in gear all along, and now you're rushing me?"

"Last one to the car is a Galapagos Tortoise," he chortled gleefully and dashed out of the room.

Yelina smiled, shook her head, and after taking one last look around her son's room, she turned out the light and closed the door behind her.

A new life was ahead of them.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Horatio sat staring at the amber liquid in the glass. Seldom did he ever indulge in liquor in the evening, never during the day, but here he was drinking at a little after 2:00 in the afternoon. He preferred to meet things head on and deal with the collateral damage as it happened, but this time he knew that HE would be the collateral damage and that it was going to hurt like hell. Hell, it already hurt badly and it was his own fault. The look in her eyes when he had handed her those tickets ripped his heart in two. Her gaze had locked with his in such an expression of hope and joy that it almost blinded him. The pain came from knowing that he couldn't tell her the truth until she was heartbeats away from the biggest shock of her life. It had to be that way for her own safety and that of Ray Jr.

One last time, Horatio closed his eyes and allowed himself to play the "what if" movie in his mind. He saw Yelina, Ray Jr. and himself climbing the stairs toward the open door of the airplane, saw them all living happy, truly free lives in Brazil, away from the specters of pain and sorrow that haunted very corner of the city of Miami. The scene shifted and became more intimate, and he saw Yelina lying in "their" bed, gorgeous after a night of passionate lovemaking. He saw Ray Jr. a handsome, happy and well-adjusted young man, saw himself and the boy forging a permanent bond that surpassed most "father and son" relationships. And then the movie ground to a halt.

"No sense in torturing yourself any longer, old man," he muttered to himself.

Downing the last of the whiskey in the glass, he stood up and straightened his jacket. It was time to meet Yelina and Ray Jr. at the airport.

The drive to the airport felt like the walk from general population to death row. Each passing mile brought him closer to the complete devastation of his life, and the loss of the last real family he had left on earth. And still he drove, determined to do right by all involved; everyone except himself. _Raymond,_ he thought bitterly. In a burst of very uncharacteristic selfishness, he blurted out, "Why the hell couldn't you have just stayed dead, little brother?!" Immediately he regretted the outburst, knowing that it was only his own devastated feelings that spoke. His mind knew that the right thing to do was reunite Yelina and Ray Jr. with their husband/father, yet his heart cried foul.

Where was Ray all those years when Yelina needed him most? Where was he when Ray Jr. needed a father? How in hell was it fair for Ray to suddenly reappear and expect to reclaim all the things he'd thrown away by his choice to become a part of the very drug culture he'd been sent undercover to bring down?

During all those years that Ray was "dead", it had been Horatio at Yelina's side in a support capacity. It was Horatio who made sure that the lawn was mowed every week. It was Horatio who had helped Yelina make preparations for Hurricane Anthony. It was Horatio who took care of the little things that Ray should have been doing. It was Horatio who made sure Ray Jr. made it to baseball practice on the weekends. It was Horatio who had stepped in when the boy first began getting into fights at school and needed firm handling. He'd become the surrogate husband and father, and over time had allowed himself to feel that they truly were his family. After so long, he loved Yelina as far more than a sister-in-law even though he had never allowed himself to act on that emotion. Ray Jr. was the son he'd never had. Now suddenly it was all being ripped away from him. The pain was indescribable.

The farewell to Yelina and Ray Jr. might have been easier had Raymond not been so glib about it all when Horatio had explained to him the plan for getting them out of the country. "Thanks for taking care of the wife while I was gone, big brother. I owe you one." Ryamond had smiled and clapped a hand on Horatio's shoulder as though he were thanking his older brother for watching the family pet for a weekend. "You'll have to come and visit once we get settled."

"Thanks, Ray. Count on it." The words were easy to say, but Horatio knew deep in his heart that he could have no rightful place in any of their lives now beyond being merely "brother", "brother-in-law" or "uncle."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Raymond Caine looked around at the expensive interrior of the charter plane and smiled. His older brother might have been just a bit too uptight about most things, but he had to hand it to him for this, it was beyond first class. He and Yelina and Ray Jr. would travel in style to Brazil. From there, who could tell where they would go? It was a whole new ballgame and anything was possible. Ray looked out the oval window of the plane, straining to see the shadowy interrior of the hangar. He'd wanted to meet Yelina and Ray Jr. there, but Horatio's orders had forbidden him to leave the plane. The fewer people who saw him, the better. Not even Yelina knew that he was still alive and about to crash back into her life.

Yelina. How would she take the sudden, unannounced reappearance of the man she believed dead for all those years? Ray shook his head and sighed. Did she know about Suzy Barnham? He suspected she knew about the drugs. He hadn't intended to become a meth-head, but the fierce pleasure he experienced the first time he actually used in order to keep his cover intact enslaved him to the drug's intense rush. He was addicted. Even now, given the chance at a new life away from his past, the thought of another hit of meth sent chills racing through his body.

"Just cool it, Caine," he muttered to himself, forcing his hands to release the deathgrip he had on the arms of the captain's seat he occupied. "You can find a dealer when you get to Brazil. A little on the side will keep the demons at bay, and what Yelina doesn't know or suspect won't hurt her or Ray Jr. either."

A flicker of movement from inside the hangar caught his eye, drawing him from his muddled thoughts, and Ray looked eagerly toward the open doors.

Horatio, Yelina and Ray Jr. emerged from the shadows of the cavernous building, and walked slowly toward the waiting plane.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The cocoon of happiness surrounding Yelina kept her from noticing the tiny little details a detective of her skill should have normally seen in a flash. Undetected was the glint of pain in Horatio's blue eyes. Unnoticed was the fact that each step he took toward the open doors of the hangar was slower than the one before. Hidden to her were the stooped shoulders of the man walking beside her. She saw only the waiting silver winged chariot that was her passage to freedom and the life she'd longed for so fervently.

It was only when her buoyant footsteps carried her from the hangar into the bright afternoon sunlight that she realized Horatio was no longer beside her. Confused, she turned to look back over her shoulder. Years later, Yelina would describe the look on his face as the saddest expression she had ever witnessed in her life. Two quick steps and she stood face to face with him, seeing finally the entire spectrum of raw emotions he had hidden from her until that moment. Pain, anguish, regret, longing, love…all were displayed in the eyes of the man she loved with all her heart. Somewhere deep in her soul an alarm bell gave a strident warning.

"Horatio?" Her voice trembled. "What's wrong?"

"You…You two go on. It will be okay." He pressed his lips together desperately. A shimmer of tears gave his eyes a glassy look.

"But…I don't understand…aren't you…aren't you coming with us?" Fear crawled over her body and wrapped icy tentacles around her heart. Was this some kind of joke? Would he actually do that to her and Ray Jr.? Surely he wouldn't be that cruel. He couldn't be. It was in his nature. But if he wasn't going who was the third…

Horatio's eyes focused on some point over Yelina's right shoulder. Fearful of knowing what had caused such an expression, but helpless against her desire to know, she turned her head slightly and followed his sad gaze. Nothing in her life had prepared her for the shock she received. Raymond Caine stood in the open door of the airplane. In the time it took for her brain to recognize him, her heart froze over and then shattered into a million pieces.

She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't believe that the man standing in the doorway of that plane was the man she had grieved over, buried, released, and moved on from. There would be no happy life with Horatio, no freedom from the ghosts of the past, for the ghosts weren't mere phantoms, they were very much real and waiting to welcome her back into their cold embrace.

"Oh my god, Horatio…no…" The words tumbled from her lips.

She took two frantic steps toward Horatio, intending to find shelter in his arms, and was stunned when his hands closed gently but firmly over her shoulders and denied her further contact.

"No, Yelina. I've come as far as I can with you. I'm sorry." The pain in his voice cut like a razor.

"But Horatio," she whispered desperately, tears welling now in her own eyes, "I can't go with him…I can't go…after all this time I wouldn't even know what to say. I don't know him any more… I don't lo…"

Horatio placed one finger firmly over her trembling lips to prevent her passionate claim that she no longer loved her husband. Tears dripped from Yelina's eyes and splashed over the knuckles of his hand. Shaking his head sadly, he whispered, "Don't say it, Yelina, even if you mean it…for both of our sakes. Go, please…" _before I beg you to stay,_ he thought.

From behind them a happy shout ripped through Horatio and Yelina's shared misery.

"Dad!" Ray Jr. was running across the tarmac toward the plane, arms outstretched toward his father. Raymond trotted down the stairs from the airplane, in direct defiance to his brother's order to the contrary, and met his son halfway, gathering him into a big hug and swinging him around several times before setting him on his feet and releasing him from the embrace. Ray ruffled his son's hair and playfully punched him in the shoulder. The scene stabbed through Yelina's soul.

_I should be deliriously happy. I should be in Ray's arms, holding him and savoring the fact that he's alive. I should be feeling anything, something other than this fierce heartache. _

Yelina's breath came in short panting gasps, and her heart flailed wildly against her ribcage. Before her very eyes, the dream of happiness she'd so cherished was dying an agonizing death and there was nothing she could do about it.

"Oh god, Horatio. Why didn't you tell me?" Anguish dripped from every word. "Why?"

"Shhh…don't let him see you with tears in your eyes." Horatio warned softly. "It had to be this way for everyone's safety. Even now he's not safe, Yelina. You have to…" his voice broke, "you and Ray Jr. have to go."

Every word out of his mouth lacerated Yelina's heart, shredding it into tiny pieces.

"Horatio…" a sob choked the last of Yelina's cry. Looking at the man she loved heart and soul, she wispered, "I love you, " and then turned away from him and began walking toward her husband and son who were waiting at the bottom of the stairs.

Horatio forced himself to watch the inevitable embrace between Raymond and Yelina. It was a small thing he knew, but he was immensely grateful to his brother for not attempting to kiss Yelina. That sight would have been the coup de gras to his already gravely wounded heart.

At length, Raymond draped one arm around Yelina's shoulders and the other around his son's and walked them toward the airplane. They started up the stairs and Raymond looked back once toward Horatio, smiled and gave him a one-handed brotherly wave. To the casual observer it would have looked like an idyllic scene, a family reunited after being apart for years.

Two broken hearts knew differently.

Engines roared, turbines spun, and the plane taxied down the runway into the brilliant Miami sky, leaving Horatio with nothing but the agony of honor.

FIN


End file.
